abo sa dila

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Kilala kita. Oo, ikaw 'yun: Nagkasalubong na tayo minsan, sa LRT, sa Gotohan, sa kanto ng Aurora at Katipunan. Nagkatinginan tayo. Hindi mo ako kinausap, pero alam ko, nakilala mo rin ako. Kaya ka narito, di ba? Para sabihing, Oo, oo, ikaw nga 'yun. Naaalala kita.
O, ha, Plurk, o, ha!
Radyo? Radyo?
Libreng humirit

Mag-exercise tayo tuwing umaga
Tambay ka muna
Lokal Kolor
Ano'ng hanap mo?
Basa lang nang basa
Tropa ko

    na, mula noong 24 Enero, 2006, ang nakitambay dito

chaptering
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
1.

Sinuyod ko ang (isa sa mga) lumang blog ni Naya dahil, naaalala ko, may sinabi siya du'n tungkol sa Before Sunset, dati, nu'ng kalalabas pa lang, na sobrang suwak ang pagkaka-articulate. Hinahanap ko 'yun-- pilit iginu-google-- ilang linggo na rin ang nakakaraan. Pero di ko nakita. Sadyang mailap ang mga pangalan sa blog na 'yun, e.

Anyway. Kanina ko lang napansin na nakalink pala sa bagong blog niya 'yung mga lumang blog. Ha. Galing mo talaga, Mikael. Apir.

2.

It was a blog of hers from the mid '05 to late '06 era. Dikit kami nu'n, as in solid. Nasa malayo kasi siya ngayon, kaya ym na lang talaga ang contact namin, and only in the wee hours of the morning, providing I'm awake. I'm not awake too often; may pasok, e. Rereading her entries made me... ano ba? Nostalgic ba? Medyo. Pero higit pa du'n, e.

It made me want to not forget, 'yun, to not forget who I was back then. A lot more carefree, a lot less resolved about things. Back then I relished the amorphousness of the future: I was certain then, as I am now, that there is a future, that there will be. But I didn't wonder too much about it. Maybe this is maturity, 'no, where I am right now: this state of focusing and trying to be driven?

Ha. These past several months I had maybe purposely cast aside the old awareness that maybe even vision, or a sense of vision, could be an illusion. 'Yun ang nawala, e, nitong mga huling buwan: 'yung sense of self-awareness na 'yun.

I need to be that, again, once in a while, 'no, who I was back then? I need to be less sure. A bit more immature, maybe. We all need to be that, once in a while.

3.

I'm a bit weirded out, kasi, this hasn't happened before-- this much in such a short span of time. But I am grateful, ha.

These past few weeks were filled with many small happinesses. And sadnesses-- sadnesses that I choose to see as... as what? As stones, may be? Pebbles. Sa sapa. Nandu'n lang, at nakikita mo sa ilalim ng tubig, lumilinaw at lumalabo sabay ng lagaslas. Nandu'n lang.

4.

Last night, as I was walking Sigh to her dorm, Naya called. Kinausap ni Sigh sandali, tapos naglakad na ako pabalik sa mag:net, kausap si Naya all the while. Nasa may gallery ang ilan sa tropa. At ang sabi ko, pagdating na pagdating: "Hulaan ninyo kung sino ang kausap ko."

And they knew, they knew! Si Waps ang naunang nagsabi: Naya! Tapos lahat sila "Yaaahaahhhhaarrrrghh." Marie got to talk to her first (congrats, Marie!) then everyone took turns.

It was nice, that phone call, particularly because recently there've been a lot of inumans when we would all lean back and sigh and say, "Alam mo kung sino ang kulang dito?" And no one would answer, no one would say it out loud. Tatango lang kaming lahat.

5.

Here's a poem lifted from Naya's old blog. It's not hers. And I'm surprised i don't remember reading it before, I'm surprised this didn't strike me then as it did just now:

Drinking Song
Silvia Curbelo

In every half-filled glass a river
begging to be named, rain on a leaf,
a snowdrift. What we long for

precedes us. What we've lost
trails behind, casting
a long shadow. Tonight

the music's sad, one man's
outrageous loneliness detonated
into arpeggios of relief. The way

someone once cupped someone's
face in their hands, and the world
that comes after. Everything

can be pared down to gravity
or need. If the soul soars with longing
the heart plunges headfirst

into what's left, believing
there's a pure want
to fall through. What we drink to

in the end is loss, the space
around it, the opposite
of thirst, its shadow.

6.

About Naya's Before Sunset entry-- I've watched those two films only about 12,344 times, and I went through another sitting a few weeks ago-- 'yun, about that entry, I never did find it.

But it's okay. I remember how I felt when I read what she wrote. At minsan, ganu'n di ba? Na hindi natin maalala ang ilang mga bagay, ang ilang mga pangyayari, pero naaalala natin kung ano ang naramdaman natin nu'ng nangyari 'yun, at sapat na 'yun. Haha. Madalas kong sabihin 'yan ukol sa mga panaginip ko, alam mo?

7.

There. Hindi ko alam kung saan galing ito-- baka sa pagsuyod sa blog ni Naya, sa pagsilip sa mga luma naming sarili?-- pero I feel a certain calmness now, which was largely absent these past few... no, no, I have never been this calm in my life. A sense of... parang, pagkakabanata? Na umusad ako? Baka.

This is good. Pero: I need to read more; at least, kailangan kong balikan 'yung dami at lalim ng binabasa ko before I began working where I work now. I need to learn how to write again, alone. (Salamat sa barkada dahil kung hindi dahil sa Monday night writing sessions, wala na akong masusulat.) I need to focus less, to relax, to let this calmness spill over into the times when I feel most-- ano ba 'yung napipitpit sa Ingles? Ewan. Anxious?

And I need to learn to not be too angry anymore, when I feel the need to feel angry, at the world-- and you know that about me, don't you, that I tend to get more angry than sad, that I would rather fight than mope or cry?-- and to be more aware. To remember things, or at least to try not to forget.

'Yun na 'yun, bok.

Labels: ,

posted by mdlc @ 12:35 AM  
7 Comments:
  • At 6:13 AM, Anonymous Caravan Girl said…

    Naks, kaka-senti naman. Ito yung entry na hinahanap mo. 2004 kasi lumabas yun: http://connect-the-dots.blogspot.com/2004/11/sem-break-snippets-2-with-before.html

    Big hugs to you all!

     
  • At 9:18 AM, Blogger mikael said…

    Ha! Ayun! Ang totoo: Iginoogle ko nga at alam kong '04 lumabas 'yun. Pero naisip ko, ito talaga dapat ang pambuo nitong entry, e-- 'yung pagkocomment mo para sabihin kung nasaan talaga 'yung link.

    O, di ba, ang meta. At ang manipulative, haha. Hee. Sowee.

    (Puwede mo ring isiping ang tanga ko lang talaga. O pinaka-inaassociate ko 'yung Before Sunrise/Sunset sa mga panahong 'yun? Post-Dumaguete. Hahaha.)

    (Pero hindi, e, hindi. Inisip ko talaga ito, 'yung pagka-meta na ito. Pramis.)

     
  • At 9:30 AM, Blogger mikael said…

    Read your old entry. Hind ko nahanap du'n 'yung hinahanap ko. Nasa susunod na entry pa, 'yung mahaba. Isang linya lang naman, e, although medyo kailangan ding sumuyod ng readers (ang metaaa!) natin para maintindihan nang buo:

    "My answer to Anina's old question: I refuse the false dichotomy. I choose burning, with the intention of lasting."

     
  • At 11:29 AM, Anonymous naya said…

    At sagot yan sa isang tanong na base dun sa isang sinabi ni Barthes sa "affirmation" section ng A Lover's Discourse:

    "Someone tells me this kind of love is not viable. But how can you evaluate viability? Why is the viable a Good Thing? Why is it better to last than to burn?)"

    Ba't ko nga ba iniisip ito nung panahong yun? 4 years ago, mehn...

     
  • At 9:54 PM, Blogger RONeiluke, RN said…

    sabi nga ni mugen:

    "a writer is keeper of memories.."

    and memories are there to make us not forget :)

    cool site:)

     
  • At 3:37 AM, Blogger Marie said…

    naya, i remember hearing that line from you ("Why is it better to last than to burn?") sometime in '05. yeah. i think we all missed you this week :)

    kael, just dropped by your blog, taking a break from writing my history paper. ang ganda nung "drinking song." i hope your thing at green papaya went well. sorry i wasn't able to help. am still buried in schoolwork.

    good night/morning!

     
  • At 1:54 AM, Blogger ramblingsoul said…

    powtek. basta ako 'yung 'di ka man lang nakausap na, naya, that night kasi peachy was hogging the phone (:P) at dami ko pa inaasikaso sa happy mondays that night. hay...memories. xaviergrille, cafe ysabela, flights of before sunset stairs. wasak! sana andito ka sa
    1st phil writers' festival next feb.

     
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