May iniisip ka?
Oo.
Ano?
Ayaw kong sabihin. Baka magkatotoo.
Dahil makulit ka
Kilala kita. Oo, ikaw 'yun: Nagkasalubong na tayo minsan, sa LRT, sa Gotohan, sa kanto ng Aurora at Katipunan. Nagkatinginan tayo. Hindi mo ako kinausap, pero alam ko, nakilala mo rin ako. Kaya ka narito, di ba? Para sabihing, Oo, oo, ikaw nga 'yun. Naaalala kita.
na, mula noong 24 Enero, 2006, ang nakitambay dito
chaptering
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
1.
Sinuyod ko ang (isa sa mga) lumang blog ni Naya dahil, naaalala ko, may sinabi siya du'n tungkol sa Before Sunset, dati, nu'ng kalalabas pa lang, na sobrang suwak ang pagkaka-articulate. Hinahanap ko 'yun-- pilit iginu-google-- ilang linggo na rin ang nakakaraan. Pero di ko nakita. Sadyang mailap ang mga pangalan sa blog na 'yun, e.
Anyway. Kanina ko lang napansin na nakalink pala sa bagong blog niya 'yung mga lumang blog. Ha. Galing mo talaga, Mikael. Apir.
2.
It was a blog of hers from the mid '05 to late '06 era. Dikit kami nu'n, as in solid. Nasa malayo kasi siya ngayon, kaya ym na lang talaga ang contact namin, and only in the wee hours of the morning, providing I'm awake. I'm not awake too often; may pasok, e. Rereading her entries made me... ano ba? Nostalgic ba? Medyo. Pero higit pa du'n, e.
It made me want to not forget, 'yun, to not forget who I was back then. A lot more carefree, a lot less resolved about things. Back then I relished the amorphousness of the future: I was certain then, as I am now, that there is a future, that there will be. But I didn't wonder too much about it. Maybe this is maturity, 'no, where I am right now: this state of focusing and trying to be driven?
Ha. These past several months I had maybe purposely cast aside the old awareness that maybe even vision, or a sense of vision, could be an illusion. 'Yun ang nawala, e, nitong mga huling buwan: 'yung sense of self-awareness na 'yun.
I need to be that, again, once in a while, 'no, who I was back then? I need to be less sure. A bit more immature, maybe. We all need to be that, once in a while.
3.
I'm a bit weirded out, kasi, this hasn't happened before-- this much in such a short span of time. But I am grateful, ha.
These past few weeks were filled with many small happinesses. And sadnesses-- sadnesses that I choose to see as... as what? As stones, may be? Pebbles. Sa sapa. Nandu'n lang, at nakikita mo sa ilalim ng tubig, lumilinaw at lumalabo sabay ng lagaslas. Nandu'n lang.
4.
Last night, as I was walking Sigh to her dorm, Naya called. Kinausap ni Sigh sandali, tapos naglakad na ako pabalik sa mag:net, kausap si Naya all the while. Nasa may gallery ang ilan sa tropa. At ang sabi ko, pagdating na pagdating: "Hulaan ninyo kung sino ang kausap ko."
And they knew, they knew! Si Waps ang naunang nagsabi: Naya! Tapos lahat sila "Yaaahaahhhhaarrrrghh." Marie got to talk to her first (congrats, Marie!) then everyone took turns.
It was nice, that phone call, particularly because recently there've been a lot of inumans when we would all lean back and sigh and say, "Alam mo kung sino ang kulang dito?" And no one would answer, no one would say it out loud. Tatango lang kaming lahat.
5.
Here's a poem lifted from Naya's old blog. It's not hers. And I'm surprised i don't remember reading it before, I'm surprised this didn't strike me then as it did just now:
Drinking Song Silvia Curbelo
In every half-filled glass a river begging to be named, rain on a leaf, a snowdrift. What we long for
precedes us. What we've lost trails behind, casting a long shadow. Tonight
the music's sad, one man's outrageous loneliness detonated into arpeggios of relief. The way
someone once cupped someone's face in their hands, and the world that comes after. Everything
can be pared down to gravity or need. If the soul soars with longing the heart plunges headfirst
into what's left, believing there's a pure want to fall through. What we drink to
in the end is loss, the space around it, the opposite of thirst, its shadow.
6.
About Naya's Before Sunset entry-- I've watched those two films only about 12,344 times, and I went through another sitting a few weeks ago-- 'yun, about that entry, I never did find it.
But it's okay. I remember how I felt when I read what she wrote. At minsan, ganu'n di ba? Na hindi natin maalala ang ilang mga bagay, ang ilang mga pangyayari, pero naaalala natin kung ano ang naramdaman natin nu'ng nangyari 'yun, at sapat na 'yun. Haha. Madalas kong sabihin 'yan ukol sa mga panaginip ko, alam mo?
7.
There. Hindi ko alam kung saan galing ito-- baka sa pagsuyod sa blog ni Naya, sa pagsilip sa mga luma naming sarili?-- pero I feel a certain calmness now, which was largely absent these past few... no, no, I have never been this calm in my life. A sense of... parang, pagkakabanata? Na umusad ako? Baka.
This is good. Pero: I need to read more; at least, kailangan kong balikan 'yung dami at lalim ng binabasa ko before I began working where I work now. I need to learn how to write again, alone. (Salamat sa barkada dahil kung hindi dahil sa Monday night writing sessions, wala na akong masusulat.) I need to focus less, to relax, to let this calmness spill over into the times when I feel most-- ano ba 'yung napipitpit sa Ingles? Ewan. Anxious?
And I need to learn to not be too angry anymore, when I feel the need to feel angry, at the world-- and you know that about me, don't you, that I tend to get more angry than sad, that I would rather fight than mope or cry?-- and to be more aware. To remember things, or at least to try not to forget.
